Showing posts with label G. Show all posts
Showing posts with label G. Show all posts

GOODBYE!

Thank you, readers, for three happy years. It sure has been an experience.

Each and every poem, story, snippet or essay written here will be dumped into a pile that I intend to sort somehow. Then, for each individual piece: a thorough scrubbing/editing, a dedicated hour of comtemplation where I will ask myself "is this worth anything?", and finally what's left to keep will be re-organized in a somewhat intuitive and crystalized (crusted over) fashion.

In other words --- for those few of you who actually read all Three Hundred pieces of writing posted to this site: you will have a shock of recognition followed by a funny feeling of familiarity when you encounter the new, and slimmed down, collection that will follow. Consider what you've read here to be quite desperate first drafts, and what is to come as perhaps something a bit polished and ready for swallowing.

And, with that said, I humbly leave you with this one last photograph. I believe it sums up our time here nicely, no? On our backs, crammed between couch and window, drenched in sun, with an exposed belly and a raised arm.

Goodbye, and thanks.


Graph




Graph
Explaining, crudely, the concept of Distance as it relates to Time and Experience.

The only way to get these two ghostly entities closer to one another is to elongate the Time/Experience, which in turn reduces the Distance between the two.

What's more: as the two entities approach one another, the "physicality" that once separated them starts to dip down with time creating a wonderful cave, which can be later filled with Joy (a newly experienced Third Axis!)

Guarded


Guarded

Like described in last week's latibule, people place their stones in a hiding place when they want them to be protected (from the prying eyes of anyone else, from the grabbing hands of anyone else, from the nitpicky mouths of anyone else) and this action of guarding is hinged on a choice: what is too close and what is a safe distance.

The sundry stories of a Nabokov interview are abundant, and depending on just how much myth one chooses to believe, they were exquisitely noninformative. While he'd keep his answer cloaked in secrecy, the fabric which he used to cloak it was vibrant and vibrating with its playful wordiness and his prestidigitation (léger de main in French.) At times, the very act of hiding is as revealing as an open window:

Can you tell us something more about the actual creative process involved in the germination of a book--perhaps by reading a few random notes for, or excerpts from, a work in progress?

Certainly not. No fetus should undergo an exploratory operation. But I can do something else. This box contains index cards with some notes I made at various times more or less recently and discarded when writing Pale Fire. It's a little batch of rejects. Help yourself.

"Selene, the moon. Selenginsk, an old town in Siberia: moon-rocket town"
. . ."Berry: the black knob on the bill of the mute swan"
. . . "Dropworm: a small caterpillar hanging on a thread"
. . . "In The New Bon Ton Magazine, volume five, 1820, page 312, prostitutes are termed 'girls of the town' "
... "Youth dreams: forgot pants; old man dreams: forgot dentures"
, . . "Student explains that when reading a novel he likes to skip passages so as to get his own idea about the book and not be influenced by the author'"
. . . "Naprapathy: the ugliest word in the language."
"And after rain, on beaded wires, one bird, two birds, three birds, and none. Muddy tires, sun"
. . . "Time without consciousness-- lower animal world; time with consciousness--man; consciousness without time-- some still higher state"
. .. "We think not in words but in shadows of words. James Joyce's mistake in those otherwise mar-velous mental soliloquies of his consists in that he gives too much verbal body to thoughts"
. .. "Parody of politeness: That inimitable 'Please' -- 'Please send me your beautiful-- ' which firms idiotically address to themselves in printed forms meant for people ordering their product."

Glass (notes to self)




Glass

As seen through the spectrum of three separate but inter-related people, fictional and otherwise.

First:

Seymour Glass. The above picture is of 82nd Street, just west of the Park, in New York City. Seymour would have raced his brother Buddy down this exact street, had he had legs and nonfictional life, on their way home from the barber or any of the many libraries they were known to frequent. Seymour is J.D. Salinger's crowning achievement and one of my own favorite characters ever penned. Born in 1917 to Les and Bessie Glass, Seymour was the eldest of the Glass children and the most brilliant, the most shining, the most astute of the lot. A born poet and a vehement letter writer (see "Hapworth 16, 1924", a story in the form of a letter from Seymour to his parents written during his stay at summer camp as a boy.) Most readers know that Seymour did kill himself by firing a single shot through his head while his wife lazily naps on the bed beside him. Most readers even know that she was most likely the reason for his death --- the first sentence of that story is: "She was a girl who for a ringing phone would drop exactly nothing, she looked as if her phone had been ringing off the hook continuously since puberty." (Well, maybe not verbatim, but that's how my memory has it pinned down. Ringing phone to me always sounded like an alarm, and to start the story with one being ignored is poignant.) A story about his suicide that opens with such a mundane yet defamatory image of his wife and goes on to an extended image of her talking on the phone with her mother about all sorts of markedly superficial, markedly human worries, is a somewhat see through set up. Let us remember, though, that the story isn't written by Salinger, but by Buddy Glass, Seymour's brother, who no doubt is in need of a coat rack to hang his sorrow on and what better than the absent, careless, depthless wife who is unpoetic and drastically normal. Let us now recall: this was not an isolated incident. The story itself reveals that Seymour had tried to die by crushing his car into a tree (as reported during dialog) and not only that, but the visible scars on his wrists are hinted at in another story. Not to mention the scars that he's collected from when beauty has touched him --- Seymour's skin is even under attack from the world and makes him his own special version of the word "sensitive". There are many wonderful things about Seymour, like his overly yellow teeth and his big nose that saves him from being called "gorgeous", and his unshakable ability to love his family, and his unending wealth of compassion, and how he says that he is a paranoiac in reverse because he suspects "the world of plotting to make him happy." My first diary online, started in 1997 at the suggestion of a friend, was hidden under the name "s. glass" and happily jampacked with hundreds of entries, to no one's care or clamor, for a happy 4 or 5 years --- so he is, for me, a quite personal companion. Again, in the spirit of the Glass family themselves, and their knack for recalling entire passages verbatim from long forgotten, dusty texts, I bring to the table my own quotation of Buddy Glass which I find makes a fine definition for Seymour. It marvels me now as it did 10 years ago when I first read it, and I don't think a single breakdown has gotten past me that I haven't recited this to myself, incessantly, before feeling at least a little bit better. Think of glass, think of what glass means, think of what glass is:

"...a Sick Man who not at all seldom, though he’s reported to childishly deny it, gives out terrible cries of pain, as if he would wholeheartedly let go both his art and his soul to experience what passes in other people for wellness, and yet (the rumor continues) when his unsalutary-looking little room is broken into and someone—not infrequently, at that, someone who actually loves him—passionately asks him where the pain is, he either declines or seems unable to discuss it at any constructive clinical length, and in the morning, when even great poets and painters presumably feel a bit more chipper than usual, he looks more perversely determined than ever to see his sickness run its course, as though by the light of another, presumably ‘working’ day he had remembered that all men, the healthy ones included, eventually die, and usually with a certain amount of bad grace, but that he, lucky man, is at least being done in by the most stimulating companion, disease or no, he has ever known. On the whole, treacherous as it may sound, coming from me, with just such a dead artist in the immediate family as I've been alluding to throughout this near polemic, I don't see how one can rationally deduce that this last general rumor (and mouthful) isn't based on a fairish amount of substantial fact. While my distinguished relative lived, I watched him - almost literally, I sometimes think - like a hawk. By every logical definition, he was an unhealthy specimen, he did on his worst nights and late afternoons give out not only cries of pain but cries for help, and when nominal help arrived, he did decline to say in perfectly intelligible language where it hurt. Even so, I do openly cavil with the declared experts in these matters - the scholars, the biographers, and especially the current ruling intellectual aristocracy educated in one or another of the big public psychoanalytical schools - and I cavil with them most acrimoniously over this: they don't listen properly to cries of pain when they come. They can't, of course. They're a peerage of tin ears. With such faulty equipment, with those ears, how can anyone possibly trace the pain, by sound and quality alone, back to its source? With such wretched hearing equipment, the best, I think, that can be detected, and perhaps verified, is a few stray, thin overtones - hardly even counterpoint - coming from a troubled childhood or a disordered libido. But where does by far the bulk, the whole ambulance load, of pain really come from? Where must it come from? Isn't the true poet or painter a seer? Isn't he, actually, the only seer we have on earth? Most apparently not the scientist, most emphatically not the psychiatrist. (Surely the one and only great poet the psychoanalysts have had was Freud himself; he had a little ear trouble of his own, no doubt, but who in his right mind could deny that an epic poet was at work?) Forgive me; I'm nearly finished with this. In a seer, what part of the human anatomy would necessarily be required to take the most abuse? The eyes, certainly. Please, dear general reader, as a last indulgence (if you're still here), re-read those two short passages from Kafka and Kierkegaard I started out with. Isn't it clear? Don't those cries come straight from the eyes? However contradictory the coroner's report - whether he pronounces Consumption or Loneliness or Suicide to be the cause of death - isn't it plain how the true artist-seer actually dies? I say (and everything that follows in these pages all too possibly stands or falls on my being at least nearly right) - I say that the true artist-seer, the heavenly fool who can and does produce beauty, is mainly dazzled to death by his own scruples, the blinding shapes and colors of his own sacred human conscience."

I italicized the last sentence because, to me, it is as see through and perfect as a pane of glass. Artist as seer, seer as sight, sight as clarity, clarity as glass. If he is made of glass, he is reflective and refractive, and for him to be dazzled to death by his own scruples makes sense, especially if they are in fact blinding shapes and colors of his own sacred human conscience. I did have to go back to some text to remember the full quote, and the bit I found on the web happens to have the entire story however be warned: it is rife with spelling errors, I found no less than 11 in the 3 sentences I quoted. Quite funny: "they're a peerage of tin ears" was "a peerage of tin cars". That was my favorite little statement in that whole heavy paragraph when I was a teenager and even wrote an essay for class about it. I can't help but think how damned thrown off I'd have been had the stupid internet been around then for me to read off of instead of my own faithful text. So much hinged on such a small letter. Never before in the history of language has such a fine image been composed in such few words: a peerage of tin ears. Not "a group of people who selfishly dismissed the cries of pain of a real honest to god poet" and not "quacks and sham doctors" (as Nab would have dashed them off on paper), but a "peerage of tin ears". They cannot hear because their ears are made of tin, no judgement or reprehension, a simple declarative statement that is as crystal clear as anything could ever be.

Second:

Philip Glass. I don't know a whole lot about Philip Glass, but I suspect he looks a bit like a real life version of Seymour, with his largish nose and his hairy arms (Seymour's siblings would joke that he should take his sweater off, referring to his hirsuteness.) I know he is a composer of music, but it is not quite "music" music in the sense that it does not flow nor does it have a melody usually. Like the rest of art at his time, he was more interested in the expression and less in whether that expression might produce a pretty sound or a nice song and it's no wonder that his first actual concert, in 1968, was as abstract as its title: Music in the Shape of a Square (two flutes, an homage to Erik Satie) and Strung Out (score tacked to the wall, musicians had to move while playing). They go on, too, and most people have at least one or two great Glass stories to share (writing orchestras in reverse with swapped solos and chorus, adapting Poe or Beckett into music, overlapping pastiche, and twisting the definitions of Baroque, Classical and Romantic into such a knot as to be entirely unrecognizable once his signature is affixed). How see through is Philip? More see through than Seymour? Philip seems to try harder, which to me makes him a bit more opaque. With Seymour, as outlined by Buddy, his poetry simply "came to him" without any work and without any corruption from the hands of man. Philip, conversely, seems to be happy to use his hands to twist whatever might be in front of him. This doesn't separate him into some other sector, far from the ethereal glow of "the natural", it just bathes him with a different kind a light: "the artificial". Philip Glass's art could be called the art of artifice, in fact, and his wrangling and strangling of a note until it ceases to be the same note makes him a magician of the most supreme type. If Seymour's a happily empty glass, Philip is a full one, and both have beauty in their own rights. For the former: the beauty that comes from quiet emptiness, specifically thinking of his poem dashed off on the back of a cardboard shirt-shaper "John Keats/ John / Put your scarf on." The latter: the beauty that comes from the packed creation of mankind using all fingers and all ideas at once, the polyphonic epiphany of noise as it jams against itself.

Third:

Philip Johnson. This is a bit of cunning wordplay that may have gone over invisible heads of you invisible readers, and I'm not the kind of person to let a gem slip by unnoticed: he made the famous Glass House. Seymour Philip Glass, a nice name combining all three men into one personage! Johnson was one of the countries most famous architects and made some of the most wonderful buildings of his time and ours. That's all fine and good. He also made a house out of glass. Not entirely glass, but enough so that the entire structure is referred to by its one overwhelming trait. He wanted buildings to be art and was not concerned with much else and is still quoted as famously saying: "I would rather sleep in Chartres Cathedral with the nearest toilet two blocks away than in a Harvard house with back-to-back bathrooms." What is see through about this? A lot, thankfully. It is not often that an artist feels the freedom to say something silly, something he knows is silly and something he knows the entire world will think is silly. A normal person would always prefer a utility like a nearby toilet over the grandiose beauty of art, fore as nice as art will always be to the eyes it will be a blight on the bladder in any shape if it doesn't have at least a toilet for one to eliminate into. His position is so transparent that its glorious, and so exceptionally thin that it floats. It doesn't seem like such a stretch to imagine this man building a home (the home that he would live in for the last 40 or 50 years of his own life) with all the walls entirely see through and without any obstruction at all to block his view. Need we pause on the metaphorical implications of this tiny but huge image? I've been to pushy with this, so no, you are off the hook dear reader and on your own to let that one expand in your mind without my nudging. A person in a glass home, a person living happily in a glass home, a person who built the glass home! It is obscenely nice to think about the freedom he must have felt, the liberating release of opacity, the shiver of reality upon meeting first your own reflection within the house and the second shiver of reality upon meeting your own reflection from outside the home as well. Oh this box, this box for living in, see through from all angles. I have a like mind to insert the fictional John Shade into this home and have his waxwings flying at night as they did in his Pale Fire. Seymour Philip John-shade Glass: an amalgamation of fictional poets and real life men. (End last digression with a stunny point). Philip Johnson brings to life the see-throughness of Seymour, he see's more, as well as the hand-madeness of Philip Glass. In him we have a prime example of the tendency to create with things and to create with ideas, a poetry of objects and materials, and a sort of uselessness that almost seems useful (unlike Philip G. who can at times be guilty of making ueseless things for the sake of them being humorously useless.) A house made of glass seems far fetched, as far fetched as a symphony composed entirely of empty, quiet notes --- yet looking through it a bit more, catching a stray reflection of trees against the backdrop of one's own face, even the useless is given the gift of purpose.

Ghost 2

ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost

Ghost

A thing that is seen when one doesn't mean to see anything. A concrete realist would say that this photograph is simply a window that has refracted light due to its texture and has managed to obscure what is beyond the window (another building) and has made an abstraction of reality that can only be perceived as a "ghost". I, of course, say that is true but with reservations because it is still without the wonder that we should always approach any image with. Its oppurtunistic, in a way: anchoring firmly to reality is never wrong, however theres no driftability when one is anchored. Ghosts, in a non-spooky and non-haunting sense, are a way of seeing the reality as well as the ethereal, and that's a nice duality to have access to. The photo is boring, and is worthy of nothing more than belonging to a sad stack with the label "For Future Use, Reference" if we see it as a window's refraction. Seeing the ghosty eyes and mouth, twisted into an almost grimace, is more fun.

And, more on Ghosts can be read here.

Ghost


Ghost

In this world of things, shapes and shades, it is hard to ease the eyes of the mind for a moment to take notice of the less corporeal beings around us. There are one hundred and fifty million definitions of "Ghost" and not one of them fits how it should fit. Finding one that is naive enough, pure enough, and without the touch of some odd human bend to it is next to impossible. Too many are colored with a person's eccentricities, self-centered opinions and odd world-views. Interested more in Ada's "fog", I present my own - which is not exactly my own, but a cohesive merger of two separate peoples. Sam was kind enough to supply his thoughts, which almost always mirror my own only read much, much better. What follows is an excerpt, edited for grammar.


How many ghosts haunt each night for each person on earth? I think that maybe 4 or 5 different ghosts might haunt each person on any one occasion, that is a lot of ghosts hanging around all night. What do they do throughout the day? (Sleep?) I wonder, too, how they can speak all these different languages and know what is scary to each person.

In the ghosts' lifes there lives a tiny, tiny deer and during the day the deer is in a tree. Ghosts in general are about at night floating in darkness. They only need the smallest breezes to travel; for they can not move on their own. NO MUSCLES. They are sad, the ghosts, like childrens of Africa malnourished and still with a bloated stomachs filled with hateful tears and hunger for what wishes that will never be. They never lie but their thoughts rest inside their stomachs, leaving perceptions askew and disoriented. How many times they just want to feed on the things in the life of the living that can satisfy their unfulfilled stomachs but they can never eat anymore because their mouths have melded shut. Hateful tears is almost oxymoronic because every body knows the two can't ever really be related -- even when we cry into our pillows: “we hate her, we hate her, we hate her” stained pillow cases, that’s all.

At night the most beautiful creature in the forest, with its most fabulous delicate neck muscles, sleeps beneath the stars in the branches of trees. A nest. This is the tiny, tiny deer! But don’t worry the branches of the tree are as wide as 6 lanes of traffic roadways. Like mossy, mossy bright green velvet streamers reaching skyward. Being so little, the deer can gallop upside down and criss-cross every square inch of bark. Gravity doesn’t affect her. She is free.

Wandering aimlessly on each and every breeze the ghosts are hungrily waiting to be blown into the tree where the tiny, tiny deer is sleeping. The sight of her would nourish their souls and they would turn to rain and fall on the city. Sometimes for days. At the edge of the world there is a lot of trees. We have to catch them before they float away.

Sometimes things like roads and ships have ghosts. But that’s like a spirit-entity we can talk about that later.

Thanks for the explanation, it helps a lot. The ghosts just want to be in the big tree with the tiny deer. I like that. And I like that our tears are just that, tears and not hate. Not real hate, just some watery stuff with salt that comes out from behind our eyelids. It's not real hate. I bet even to punch a wall or a face is not even real hate. I think real hate is probably locked up in a tree that grows upsidedown with all its leaves and branches extending down into the earth. ("Inverted Forest") More likely as big or bigger than the tree of the tiny deer? Hate must be downward, but above the ground grows a love tree? Since they are opposites, direct opposites, they must share the same roots and be of the same trunk. 1 and -1 are still using the same symbol of "1" so that must mean that direct opposites in feelings are the same. Love is one tree and hate is the same tree, they just grow in opposite directions. Yes? I think love is exposed though, and grows up and out -- and its opposite grows down and inward, which might explain why a kiss feels more like love than tears feel like hate (because it is easier to feel something you can see, and the tree is visible only above the ground in the air of love). I think so, right?

But now this isn't about ghosts anymore! I apologize. I just really liked your tree, and I really liked your tears and the thought that hate really isn't in the things we assign it to. Like when we focus hard and cry into the pillow "we hate her" it's not hate, just tears and a pit in the tummy. I think there are ghosts of feelings too, like you say ghosts of roads and ships exist. I think there are memory ghosts, that stay around. It is the reason that when I sleep in the old bedroom I slept in during highschool at my mom's house, even though none of my furniture is in there, even though the walls are now painted and even though the windows are not the same glass -- it still feels like my room, and like me.

When ghosts shake is it like dry leaves or jell-o?

First I want to say "like dry leaves" but then I think about the movie Ghostbusters and the ghost character "Slimer" -- he is like jello. That's not real though.

I think if it is an empty ghost, it is like a dry leaf. Empty ghosts are sad ones, they don't have a room to haunt or a person to be remembered by. They shake like a dry leaf because they have nothing inside of them and because they are unremembered, all there is inside them is air and dust. The saddest thing in the world might be a ghost without a home to haunt.

Fat ghosts shake like jello though! They are heavy with the memories of the living and it makes them sway with weight to the left and the right, they are thick with excuses too. And their fatness makes them comical, to the point of them no longer even being a ghost insofar as we have defined them.

Afterword:

A happy coincidence last night: there was a television special on ghosts and the hunting of them. Of course, almost every instance was dismissed as sham - yet the believers keep on believing. That prompted an interesting question which bounced and reverberated around inside my head for quite some time: why is not seeing believing sometimes? It seems that the people hunting the ghosts were reliant on equipment that exceeded the capacities of the human body (IE microphones to listen better than ears, cameras to see better than eyes) yet each of these pieces of equipment only hindered the ghost-hunting because they were all susceptible to human error; a smudge on the camera lens, muffled footsteps behind the recorder captured in an echo on the tape's magnetic reel which could possibly be the otherworldly voice of some apparition or another. So if seeing is believing, why do these hunters rely so heavily on manufactured senses such as these? And why do they expect the ghosts to appear in such human form? They inspect for shapes with arms and legs, they listen for voices like ours and I can't help but think that these people are just lonely and are searching for other people. All we ever want, really, is for something similar to ourselves to be reflected back at us in between the silent intervals of our quiet moments.

So a revised definition: the belief in ghosts is closely linked with the refutation of ambiguity. Ambiguity in the sense that one cannot accept something when it is without a full and exhausting answer. "What was that over there in that dark corner?" I am smart enough to know that it was not me, and not any other person, but in the end that is about as far as my actual knowledge and experience can extend, and anything further starts entering a realm that is, literally and figuratively, "unhuman". This notion might be tied even further into Ada's invention of her Things, but almost in an opposite fashion: She named her Things according to what she already knows (building, bridge, tower) whereas with ghosts one is attempting to give an un-physical cloak to an already un-physical thing. Naming's naming, though, and there has to be something worth mining and exploring in that notion of needing to put (or force?) a rigid structure around a loose and flowing unsomething. Note: not a "nothing" but an "unsomething" - a ghost, a feeling, a nagging toothache that drives and drives one's mind from sweating nightmares of throbbing nerve-wracked pain to the relief of a daydreamed countryside with expansive grass and a breezy sense of healing.

It ends up that they are all just things we make up to please ourselves when something is lacking.
(revised with added Afterword on 12 June 2008)